Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
