Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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