New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
