I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
