I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
