Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
