Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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