Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
