five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Vodka?
Forever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
