i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
