Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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