he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
