I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
