wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
