I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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