If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
