She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
