she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
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