we have pet lesbian snakes
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
how drunk are you?
Several
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
