I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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