I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
