Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
