belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
