My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
porn star boner night. come get it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
