Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
