Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
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