I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
