I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
