hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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