bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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