I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
