I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
