i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
