i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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