I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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