Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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