dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
