You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
