You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
