if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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