I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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