u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You are a genius and a whore.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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