Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
