tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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