It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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