How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
