i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
