the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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