I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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