just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
