It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
