ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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