I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
